- Carolyn Hax
- Columnist
Carolyn Hax: A reader’s advice on dating after loss
While I’m away, readers give the advice.
Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host of a live online discussion on Fridays at noon.
(Nick Galifianakis/FOR THE WASHINGTON POST)
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On feeling guilt for dating after a partner’s death:
Several years ago, our darling son died suddenly while recovering from cancer surgery. He had been married to the love of his life 2 years and 11 days when he died. The week he died was also the week the child they had lost would have been born. His wife was mourning the loss of their child when her husband died in her arms.
We were all so shocked and devastated with his loss that much of it is a blur, but somehow, at the end of the funeral, this clear thought entered my mind. I held her hands and told her that he loved her so much that he wouldn’t want her to spend her life alone and miserable.
I don’t know where these words came from, only that they were important for me to say and her to hear.
A year after he died, she went to lunch with her uncle and he asked her if she would ever consider dating again. She said she had given it some thought and decided that she would not pursue it herself, but if others wanted to fix her up on a blind date they could . . . but just ONCE. It had better be a good one because they only had one chance at it. (She couldn’t bear the idea of being fixed up with anyone and everyone who happened by.)
Later that week, her uncle went golfing and happened to play with a young man he had never met before. By the 18th hole the young man knew the entire story of this beautiful young girl.
The young man is a beautiful person — in fact, he reminds us of our son.
My husband and I did NOT attend the wedding . . . not because we felt any ill will. It was THEIR special time, and we did not want anyone looking from us to them while they exchanged vows.
We are all very close and he respects the relationship between us. If you turn to Love and Light, it will return to you.
tellme@washingtonpost.com
Chat with Carolyn Hax online at noon Fridays at www.washingtonpost.com
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