Children must share parents' estate
When children fight over their parents' heirlooms, there is usually more involved - grief and other powerful emotions and memories - than just the value of the china or silver. (iStock)
Q: My elderly parents passed away this year, and I'm absolutely furious with my sisters. Who says the china, silver and heirlooms should go to the daughters? I'm the oldest, and the only son, and my wife has been like another daughter to my parents. And although my sisters and I have gotten along well in the past, one of my sisters already grabbed the china that my wife and I wanted. The other took the silver, and they already split up Mom's jewelry. We can't even see straight to talk about the house. What should we do?- Grumpy and GrievingA: I am very sorry to hear about your loss. Unfortunately, this situation is common, and it's sad to hear about so much fighting during a time you should be supporting each other.
If your parents unwisely didn't discuss their wishes with all of you while they could, you may have to hire a mediator or estate lawyer if you can't sort things out on your own. It's rare that any solution will be perceived as "fair," but life is not fair. Try hard to accept decisions gracefully in honor of your parents' memory.
I've heard of retirees divvying up their possessions to their adult children and living with paper plates, buying duplicate sets of china so all their kids inherit the same things, or even donating everything to charity to avoid the situation.
Usually, there is more going on than just the value of the heirlooms. Not only are people already grieving, they're responding to powerful emotions and memories. Some think heirlooms are worth more money than they actually are. To others, it's a power play or evidence of parents playing favorites. I've also heard of people inheriting a houseful and not wanting any of it.A friend of mine went out and bought a matching set of silver because she liked her parents' set so much and her older sister wanted to inherit it. This might be a great idea for you. The dishes may be expensive - or maybe not - but it would be less painful than fights with your family.If your parents unwisely didn't discuss their wishes with all of you while they could, you may have to hire a mediator or estate lawyer if you can't sort things out on your own. It's rare that any solution will be perceived as "fair," but life is not fair. Try hard to accept decisions gracefully in honor of your parents' memory.
I've heard of retirees divvying up their possessions to their adult children and living with paper plates, buying duplicate sets of china so all their kids inherit the same things, or even donating everything to charity to avoid the situation.
My condolences go to all of you. Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Jennifer Adams is a designer, author, and TV personality. To contact her: @JenniferAdams
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