Deathternity talks about all things death related. There are 1 million+ owned graves in cemeteries in America that people will not use. Cemeteries do not buy graves back. I would encourage people to begin thinking about either selling or buying these graves at a deep discount to what your cemetery charges. Or you can donate unused graves for a tax deduction. If I can help you with this please contact me here, email me at deathternity@gmail.com, or call me at 215-341-8745. My fees vary.
You may have heard by now that Mother Mary has passed, but permit me to say one last thing on the subject.
It's my last word.
On her last words.
Let me begin by saying that all of us, including my mother, were surprised when we found out she had late-stage lung cancer and that her death was imminent. Her kind pulmonologist explained it all to her carefully, so she knew the end was near. But another doctor happened to mention the term "end-of-life" care, which went over like a lead balloon, one of Mother Mary's favorite expressions. When we got home, her throat hurt too much to talk, so we got her a Sharpie and a dry-erase board, and the first thing she wrote, in large letters, was: DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT END OF LIFE AROUND HERE.
So we didn't.
And when a visitor asked her how she was feeling, she wrote, OUTSIDE OF ALL THIS CRAP, I'M DOING FINE.
And to one of her friends, Nino, she wrote, SEE YOU IN THE SUMMER.
Secretly, I kept wondering whether she was in denial about her own death. I'm a bookish sort, so I read the pamphlet they gave us at the hospice, which advised that the terminally ill often want to talk with loved ones about the important events of their lives, offer them parting gifts or mementos, or say good-bye in a variety of other ways.
Mother Mary did none of these things.
She hadn't read the pamphlet.
And even so, she wasn't the type of woman to do anything by the book.
During her last few days, I used to lie awake at night, worrying she wasn't going to have the typical, or normal, death, whatever that is. We weren't going to say good-bye like in the pamphlets or the movies. I was fine with that, but I worried that if she didn't accept her own death, would she be fearful when it came?
Thankfully, no, she wasn't.
She was dozing, under a dose of morphine that eased her pain but not her senses. She squeezed my brother's hand one last time, three squeezes that were her signal for "I Love You."
Those were her last words.
In retrospect, I realize Mother Mary knew she was ill, but she wasn't ready to accept death, offer us mementos, or say good-bye.
Why?
Because she had hope.
And she kept that alive.
And in return, hope kept her alive, for much longer than the doctors expected.
She didn't provide us the storybook final scene as she passed from this earth, but it wasn't supposed to be about our comfort. It wasn't about us at all, or the pamphlets or the movies.
It was about her, and she faced death the way she confronted life - on her terms.
It won't surprise you to know her favorite singer was Frank Sinatra and her favorite song "My Way."
In all things, she did it her way.
She wouldn't concede to cancer. The only way it would win was to beat her, and in the end, she still won.
Disease took her body, but not her soul.
Her spirit was full of hope and life.
Her last words were about love.
And, as Mother's Day rolls toward us, this will be my last word on the subject of her passing. From now on, I choose to write about her the way we all knew her - funny, strong, sassy, and full of life.
Thank you so much for the incredible outpouring of sympathy cards, e-mails, Facebook posts, and donations. It gladdens our hearts to see many of you loved Mother Mary, or saw your own mothers in her, through the stories Francesca and I wrote about her. We are overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you, as Mother Mary would be. It's testament to your generosity, as well as to the power of the printed word, whether in books or newspapers.
And I promise there will be more Mother Mary stories, because she was full of surprises. After all, it was only recently that I discovered her real name was Maria, not Mary.
So stay tuned and see what's in store.
In the end, Mother Mary will get the last laugh.
Lisa Scottoline's latest novel, "Keep Quiet," is in stores now, and look for Lisa Scottoline and Francesca Seritella's latest collection of humor essays in "Meet Me at Emotional Baggage Claim." lisa@scottoline.com
Farts! Dentists! Armpits! And all the other stuff that can kill you to death!
1. The Deadliest Bullet: 9 mm Jacketed Hollow Point
There are bigger bullets. There are faster bullets. But if you live in America and you tangle with Army law enforcement, there’s a good chance that this is the bullet that will kill you. Designed to expand inside the victim’s body to cause more tissue damage, they’re said to reduce the chance of bullets passing through the intended targets and into nearby civilians. But why specifically mention America? Well, these babies are banned in international warfare under the Hague convention, but U.S. Army law enforcement pack them on home territory. So while it’s still illegal to shoot an overseas terrorist with these, if you’re dumb enough to break into a military installation on U.S. soil, you’ll probably experience a hollow point firsthand. Nice knowing you!
2. The Deadliest State for Crossing a Bridge: Pennsylvania
Did you know that one out of every nine bridges in America is structurally deficient? And that 24.5 percent of all those “Is it supposed to wobble like that?” structures can be found in Pennsylvania? Now you do, and you’ll never feel safe crossing a river there again.
3. The Deadliest Asshole: The Bombardier Beetle
Screw silent but deadly—the bombardier beetle is loud and proud, firing a scorching mixture of superheated acids from its rear end with a loud popping sound when threatened. It’s not one for surprise cuddles is what we’re saying here.
4. The Deadliest Airline: China Airlines
Their eight aircraft losses and 755 deaths in the past three decades might make you want to consider a cruise instead.
5. The Deadliest Road Trip: The Yungas Road, Bolivia
The Yungas Road is more commonly known as the Road of Death, because (a) it is pants-shittingly lethal, and (b) people in Bolivia are awesome at naming stuff. It’s responsible for around 200 deaths a year, which doesn’t sound like many until you realize it’s only 40 miles long and used by a handful of vehicles per day. There are 3,000-foot sheer drops off the side of this guardrail-free single-lane mountain nightmare, but don’t worry—at least you won’t be able to see them with all the rain and fog.
6. The Deadliest Armpits: The Slow Loris
When Borneo’s slow loris gets nervous, it shoves its fingers into its armpits. Aw! But these pits release venom, which the beast rubs on its teeth before biting you.
7. The Deadliest Man to Be Trapped in an Elevator With: Mr. Methane
This is “performing flatulist” Mr. Methane, and he has such superhuman control of his gas that he can fart “The Blue Danube Waltz” at will. You have been warned.
8. The Deadliest Dentist: Glennon Engleman
This demented driller killed seven people over three decades, all for cash. One victim was bludgeoned, pushed down a well, then blown up with dynamite, which would indicate that Engleman went to the Wile E. Coyote school of assassination.
9. The Deadliest Ground Attack Plane: A-10 Thunderbolt II
She may be getting on in years, but the plane more commonly known as the Warthog (or even more commonly as “Ooh, Fuck”) is still the U.S. military’s favorite ground-support aircraft. Boasting a 30 mm Gatling gun capable of firing 4,100 rounds per minute and carrying up to 16,000 pounds of assorted deadly smart bombs and missiles (including 2.75-inch rockets and AIM-9 Sidewinder and AGM-65 Maverick missiles), she’s not beautiful, but, by God, she knows how to wreck a bad guy’s day.
10. The Deadliest Sniper: Navy SEAL Chief Chris Kyle
Before his tragic death this year, Chris Kyle was America’s deadliest sniper, recording more than 160 kills (with around 100 more claimed). He also—allegedly—once punched Jesse “the Body” Ventura in the face. In short: This man was a certified badass.
11. The Deadliest Song: “My Way”
Filipinos really like karaoke. And they love Ol’ Blue Eyes’ classic so much that at least six people have been murdered for screwing it up, leading the press to refer to the incidents as the “‘My Way’ Killings.”
12. The Deadliest Fishing Hole: Lake Karachay, Russia
You don’t need to worry about wildlife in this lake—or any life at all, for that matter. Used as a toxic dumping ground for Soviet nuclear weapons since the '50s, this irradiated wasteland, the most lethally polluted place on the planet, can kill a person standing on its shore inside an hour.
13. The Deadliest Part of a Monkey: The Brain
Did you know you can catch a version of the terrifying and lethal variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease (better known as mad cow disease) from eating monkey brains? So stop it!
14. The Deadliest Place for a City Break: San Pedro Sula, Honduras
Regarded as the most dangerous city in the world, and for good reason: Its rate of 169 homicides per 100,000 residents means you’re more likely to die of a nasty case of being murdered here than almost anything else.
15. The Deadliest Choice for Hitchhikers: The Nissan 350z
Its 143 deaths per million registered vehicle miles is the highest fatality rate of any car on the road, so those thumbing a ride might want to consider thumbing their noses at this one instead.
16. The Deadliest Snake: The Hook-Nosed Sea Snake
The hook-nosed sea snake’s venom is even more powerful than the dreaded taipan’s. Also, the motherfucker is really, really ugly.
17. The Deadliest Accidental Pizza Topping: Destroying Angel Mushroom
As well as being an awesome name for a metal band, the destroying angel has a poison so deadly that half a cap is fatal. There is no antidote.
18. The Deadliest Gang: Los Zetas
Mexico’s largest, most sophisticated, and most vicious drug cartel was originally formed by, of all things, Mexican commandos, who deserted the army in 1999 and went to work for the Gulf Cartel. They later split to form their own gang, waging a war against their rivals that has torn Mexico to pieces. While Los Zetas are currently winning—they are believed to have the largest territory in Mexico, as well as footholds in Italy, Guatemala, and several U.S. states—they have achieved that through a series of car bombings, beheadings, torture-murders, and massacres.
19. The Deadliest Serial Killer: Luis “La Bestia”Garavito
This Colombian was convicted of 140 murders but is suspected of close to 300. His penalty? A whopping 24 years in prison! Getting away with murder, indeed.
20. The Deadliest Sporting Event: The Isle Of Man TT
This lethal motorcycle race around the cliff-top roads of the Isle of Man has seen a shocking number of fatalities—240 in just over 100 years. There have been more than 20 deaths since 2000, and that doesn’t even take the occasional spectator or race official into account.
21. The Deadliest Bird: The Ostrich
It’s nine feet tall. It can run 40 mph. It has huge talons on its feet that it will use to kick your intestines out through your spine (as it does to several humans annually). It still looks like a feather duster crossed with an angry French maid, but we would not mess with this mangy critter.
22. The Deadliest Submarine: The HMS Ambush
Powered by a nuclear reactor that won’t need refueling for 25 years, it’s capable of circling the planet without resurfacing once. The British monster is armed with Tomahawk Block IV cruise missiles capable of hitting targets 1,200 miles away, so you’d better show baby Prince George some respect!
23. The Deadliest Volcano: The Yellowstone Caldera
The supervolcano underneath Yellowstone isn’t due to blow anytime soon, but think about this: Its first eruption, 2.1 million years ago, was 25,000 times larger than the 1980 Mount St. Helens eruption.
24. The Deadliest Action Hero: Dolph Lundgren
Of all the classic action stars, Mr. Ivan Drago himself scores the highest body count, with a recent tally showing 662 kills in the course of 23 movies.
25. The Deadliest Thing That Wants to Crawl Up Your Nose and Eat Your Brain: Naegleria Fowleri
This charming amoeba with a 99 percent fatality rate lives in rivers and lakes—some right here in the good old U.S. of A.—and enjoys swimming into your nostrils to overindulge in the buffet that is your brain.
26. The Deadliest Movie Slasher: Jason Voorhees
With more than 300 on-screen kills, the machete-wielding goalie beats rivals like Freddy Kreuger (only 42!) knife hands down.
27. The Deadliest Time of Day:11 A.M.
It’s not just the time of day Maxim editor David Swanson goes for poop no. 2—according to scientists, if you’ve survived to old age, it’s the time you’re most likely to croak from natural causes. So make sure you get a good breakfast!
28. The Deadliest Christmas Gift for Little Timmy: The Gilbert U-238 Atomic Energy Lab
What better toy for a small, inquisitive child than this 1950s masterpiece—an atomic energy lab that came complete with uranium-bearing ore! Because nothing says happy holidays like an eight-year-old who glows in the dark.
29. The Deadliest Prison System: Venezuela
With facilities designed to hold 14,000 prisoners, but a prison population of more than 45,000, conditions are terrible and diseases run rampant. Even worse? Most of the prisoners are armed. We bet the food sucks, too.
30. The Deadliest Thing to Let Bite Your Penis: The Brazilian Wandering Spider
Prone to aggressively and repeatedly biting, injecting a vicious neurotoxic venom with each nip, this spider is a bastard. But the part that’ll make you cross your legs is the side effect of its venom: If it doesn’t kill you, it’ll give you the most painful erection of your life, one that can last days and potentially leave you impotent. Basically, it’s a spider that ruins boners. Which might well be the single worst thing ever.
