October 13, 2014 (Story 2 of 3:)
KAYLA
Ted knows I love the outdoors. So one day we’re hiking up our favorite trail, when all of a sudden I hear “Surprise!” So I run up to the top of the mountain—and my entire family is there. My mom, my dad, my grandmother, all of my cousins. I’m so excited, I start jumping up and down and laughing! But then I realize, hey, wait a minute, my grandmother died six years ago. It turns out Ted paid to have her corpse reanimated. He got these former Soviet scientists to dig up her body, hook electrodes to her limbs, and shock her repeatedly, to make her lurch around like she’s alive.
So Ted gets down on one knee and my entire family starts to cry, in part because they’re moved, but mainly because they’re traumatized by the experience of seeing my grandmother’s body exhumed and made to move around through a series of shocks, which is just so unnatural and disturbing.
So Ted says, “Will you marry me?” And, before I can respond, the Soviet scientists come out from behind this rock, where they’ve been operating their shock device. And they’re, like, “We have done what you asked. Now you must pay us.” And it’s clear these guys have just been through hell. Their faces are pale and their eyes are bloodshot. I mean, they’ve had to rob a grave, drag a corpse up a mountain, and do unspeakable things to it. Just the worst kinds of violations. So Ted writes them a check and they start to walk down the trail. But, before they’re out of view, the short one spins around. And the tall one whispers to him in Russian, trying to shut him up or whatever, but the short one ignores him. And he says to Ted, in this thick Russian accent, “You make me shame. You make all of science shame. This day will haunt me always. ” And he starts to weep. And then Ted turns to me and says, “Will you marry me?” And I’m, like, “No.” After he was sentenced, I started dating Milo. He proposed on a camping trip. It was O.K.
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