Associated Press
Dear Janet Yellen,
Thank you for visiting Yankee Stadium on Wednesday morning to give the commencement address to graduates of New York University. To be honest, I didn't hear half of what you said. I was asleep in Monument Park when the ceremony began, unclothed and barely conscious, clutching an empty bottle of Old Crow and surrounded by half-naked ghost floozies. But then I heard you mention my name.
"Yankee Stadium," you told graduates, "is a natural venue for another lesson: You won't succeed all the time. Even Ruth, Gehrig and DiMaggio failed most of the time when they stepped to the plate."
I don't know about those other fellows--the 1920s, '30s and '40s are all a bit of a blur in my mind--but I am writing to tell you this: For someone who deals with numbers quite a bit, you clearly don't know mine.
From 1920 through 1926, I had an on-base percentage of .500. In other words, in the prime of my batting career--after I gave up pitching and before I began eating hot dogs between innings--I succeeded half the time. Over my entire career, when I stepped to the plate, I reached base 47.4% of the time. It is quite harsh to say I "failed most of the time."
Of course, I can relate to your confusion. I didn't appreciate on-base percentage in my day, either. The statistic wasn't officially introduced until 1984, 36 years after I became a ghost. The only thing I enjoyed about my 2,062 career walks was that I didn't have to run.
But you are the chairwoman of the Federal Reserve, not an overweight ghost nursing a hangover. The next time you use my name for a metaphor, please get it right: I failed a narrow majority of the time.
(Burp.)
Sincerely,
Babe Ruth's Ghost
Brian Costa
Federal Reserve Chairwoman Janet Yellen speaks during commencement ceremonies for New York University at Yankee Stadium. Getty Images